At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
