Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
