all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
