Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this just has baby written all over it
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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