apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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