Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
