I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can I color on your dick again?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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