i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
