I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
