You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
