possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
