am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
