you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
