he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
