Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
