she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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