So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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