I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
