I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
