I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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