I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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