You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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