I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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