You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
