Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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