You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
