I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
