i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
