The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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