there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
