i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
