it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
