dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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