A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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