he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize