i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
