we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
