Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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