She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
