Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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