The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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