please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
