I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize