My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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