she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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