On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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