: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
