so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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