went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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