i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
