I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
