6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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