So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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