Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
