Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
