im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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