Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
