so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
